my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
