Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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