Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
