So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
