I just saw a hot homeless man
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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