I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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