The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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