I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
