i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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