i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
