I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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