Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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