so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
