She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
