I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
