i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
