I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
