its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
When are your genitals available?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
