My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
