i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Holy sore nipples Batman
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
