I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
