never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
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I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
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Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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