I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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