well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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