You can't motorboat a personality
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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