The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
