at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
