We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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