2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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