It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
