My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
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