i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just high enough for therapy.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
