I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
there was a trapeze. enough said
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
