Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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