I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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