This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
