i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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