All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
