Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
