I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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