so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
