why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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