I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
