I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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