i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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