The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
