I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
