The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize