the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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