i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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