You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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