Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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