so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
