uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
