First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
