I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.