Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
