used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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