um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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