Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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