my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
