My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
