I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
